


pregame danganronpa fic <3

by immaculatemilk



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Cats, F/F, F/M, I simp for shuichi's fridge, IruMatsu, Lemons, M/M, Pregame Shuichi, Saimami, Smut, Yaoi, Yuri, danganronpa - Freeform, saiouma, shuichi fucks everything, straightness ew, they're all cats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immaculatemilk/pseuds/immaculatemilk
Summary: (Pregame) Shuichi gets a package.I wonder what's inside it–
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi, Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi, Chabashira Tenko/Saihara Shuichi, Gokuhara Gonta/Saihara Shuichi, Harukawa Maki/Saihara Shuichi, Hoshi Ryoma/Saihara Shuichi, Iruma Miu/Saihara Shuichi, K1-B0/Saihara Shuichi, Kirigiri Kyoko/Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Saihara Shuichi/Everyone, Saihara Shuichi/Shinguji Korekiyo, Saihara Shuichi/Shirogane Tsumugi, Saihara Shuichi/Tojo Kirumi, Saihara Shuichi/Yonaga Angie, Saihara Shuichi/Yumeno Himiko
Comments: 38
Kudos: 35





	1. welcome to hell <3

**Author's Note:**

> How did you even get to this fic– nevermind.  
> Just to let you know this is cursed. This contains human x cat, body pillow x human, fridge x human and cat x cat. This was based off a horrific dream I had and now y'all are gonna suffer. <3  
> Dw, you can thank me later, I'm always here.
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I suck at writing (duh) and the plot is extremely confusing you might have a stroke and die  
> not my fault though :)

Wow, a room.

It is an ordinary kitchen. Fridge stuffed with corpses, bloodied knives, y'know, the usual.

Sniff, sniff.

A cat licks your leg, or more like, his leg. After all, nobody would want to lick your ugly, hairy, bruised leg. 

He looks down at the cat.

She is a puffy gray tabby with an extremely tight dusty pink collar reading "Princess". Oh, wait, maybe that's not the collar's real color, but her severed neck-flesh curled over the collar, painting it a scratchy blush.

He pets the cat.

The filthy demon doesn't care for him much and opens her mouth, ready to tear his flesh off.

He allows her to do so, though she's interrupted by a door ringing.

Ding, dong.

A box? Oh? He does not remember ordering anything.

He examines the box. It is kitten-sized. It smells like cat food. It is meowing loudly. What could it be? He thinks it is a snow globe.

There is no mistaking the package is for him. There is a white paper glued to it. It says:

To: Shuichi Saihara

From: Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmmnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewqqazwsxedcrfvtgbyhnujmikolp Saihara.

Oh! He remembers! That is his mother's name, and she has sent him something for his birthday!

Princess pads up to his side and mewls.

He opens the box.

16 cats come out.

They are all wearing strange clothes, one in a checkered bandana, one in an emo-hat.

Hey, the one in the emo hat reminds Shuichi of himself.

But he's not an emo, no, he believes those shameful beings should burn in hell alone.

"Hi," the cat in the bandana says.

Shuichi is not surprised. When you're in a fanfic where you fuck your own fridge, and a bunch of random cats, nothing surprises you.

"Hello," Shuichi extends a hand.

Kokichi sticks out his paw.

As Shuichi shakes hands with the cat, he gets that kind of feeling when you're five and your mom leaves you at the store with her phone so you pretend to act cool and grown-up by fidgeting around with the phone you've never used before.

It's just like that, but hornier.

Shuichi's into many things, watersports, knife-play, scat, necrophilia, he's not picky.

But the thing he loves most of all is cat paws.

And luckily for him, Kokichi just so happens to have a thing for human hands.


	2. sorry im still a lazy b!tch 🙄🔫

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this isn't really a chapter.  
> i google translated the last chapter for fun and got this.  
> ik ik I'm lazy  
> but honestly did you really want an actual update

Wow, peaceful.

This is a normal kitchen. The refrigerator was full of corpses with bloodstained knives, I know, that's the usual story.

Nuhat, Nuhat.

A cat that has lost balance or looks more like a leg. No one wants to stroke your ugly, hairy, bruised leg.

Look at that cat.

It was a puffy gray taboo, with a very tight pink collar with the word "princess" written all over it. Wait, it might not be the actual color of the neck, but the chopped neck flesh wrapped around the neck, painting it with red strokes.

To pet a cat.

The evil devil didn't really care about it and saved people who were ready to eat meat.

It allowed him to do so even though he rang the doorbell.

Ding dong.

Some? Or? He doesn't remember asking for anything.

Check the box. It's about the size of a kitten. Smells like cat food. It's strong. What is that? Think of it like a snowball.

There are no errors in the package. White paper attached. Please speak:

To whom: Shuichi Saihara

Author: Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmmnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewqqazwsxedcrfvtgbyhnujmikolp Saihara.

ABOUT! He remembered! This is her mother's name and she sent something for her birthday!

The princess straightened her body and nodded.

Open that box.

Dalin 16 cats.

They were all wearing odd clothes, one in plaid scarves and the other in emo hats.

Hey, that emo hat reminds me of Shuich.

But he's not a UFO, no, he believes these vile creatures should only be burned in Hell.

"Hello," said the cat in the handkerchief.

Shuichi didn't surprise me. When you're in a frenzy where you have a fridge and a few cats at random, nothing should surprise you.

"Hi," Shuichi stretched out his hand.

Kokichi walked away from him.

When Shuichi touched the cat it felt like you were five years old and your mother left you at the phone shop, so you acted like the grown-up behaving with the phone you didn't have before. . former. .

Right, but angular.

Shuichi is involved in many things, water sports, knife games, chaos, necrophilia, not being choosy. Of course, he isn't a voter.

But most importantly, he likes cat paws.

And luckily for him, Kokich has a thing for human hands.


	3. some actual smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad news guys, I found out my 5 y.o sis reads this 😔 to preserve her innocence I'm gonna censor stuff now  
> c**k, d**k, p****s, y'know the good kush is gonna be mitochondria  
> a**h*le = nucleus  
> p**sy/c**t/c**e/va***a = eukaryote  
> any inappropriate sounds = chloroplast  
> c*m = orange juice  
> ok that's it ig 😜

Kokichi and Shuichi casually shake hand and paw  
Kokichi decides Shuichi's hand is ugly and unworthy of his love and appreciation.  
It's fine and all, until Shuichi accidentally lets out a chloroplast.  
And a very loud one at that.  
Kokichi is confused and disgusted, and yanks his paw away, hissing.  
Shuichi is offended. What could he have possibly done wrong? What a judgmental little nucleus.  
Either way, Shuichi's mitochondria has become aware of the situation, erect.  
Kokichi, being a cat, is not educated on human anatomy and proportions and assumes he is smuggling something.  
Shuichi grabbed Kokichi by the tail and stuffed him in a Target bag that had materialized out of nowhere.  
Apparently none of the other cats care, as expected.  
Shuichi empties the bag into his room. Kokichi pisses on the bed, hoping to upset Shuichi.  
Clearly he doesn't know who he's dealing with.  
Shuichi, even more turned on, pushes Kokichi onto the bed, his stomach exposed.  
Shuichi doesn't know why he's doing this. Neither does the sleep-deprived author.  
He yanks out his mitochondria.  
Kokichi just wants this to be over with and pulls out Shuichi's fingernail.  
Does that make a difference?  
Of course not.  
Shuichi thrusts his mitochondria into Kokichi being the inexperienced whore he is.  
He releases his orange juice about two minutes in.  
Shuichi pulls out.  
Kokichi jumps out the window and into the road where he's run over.  
Shuichi chloroplasts and orange juices again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh I had to write this during class so ik it's bad  
> also I never look these over before posting. I just type random stuff, then post.  
> aLSO ALsO I'm gonna be using the same censors over and over bc theyre
> 
> original?
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO  
> I've never written smut before 👉👈
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO  
> I'm sorry this is the last one i swear  
> Btw I know these are short
> 
> Ok now I'm done 😁


	4. off topic news!!!

So,,,, not an actual chapter  
I've been getting kinda lazy and I don't want you to suffer too much  
I had another one of my "dreams"  
Dw it's not as bad as the dream that inspired this  
I'll make a new fic for it  
Basically it's komahina and also hinanami or whatever you call it  
And it has pregame v3  
But middle school au ish  
So  
Yes  
Read  
Please  
It'll be called uh  
Idk  
Um I should say something inspiring  
gxjzkzkskzksm


	5. Very Late Valentine's Day Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I should be apologizing for not posting or if you should be thanking me.  
> Anyway, school is a bitch, my cat is a whore and I can't find the time to write. But yeah, expect more frequent posting.

Shuichi stares at his fridge.  
He stares at his calendar.  
Ah. It just so happens to be Valentine's Day. How nice.  
He's planned out an entire evening for him and his beautiful fridge.  
The sight of the heavy object brings back memories of their love-making sessions which he oh-so enjoyed.  
The fridge? Not so much. His orange juice had spoiled all the components and got the fridge pregnant. Again.  
They had two kids so far, named Romania and Violetta. They currently live in the lavish, exotic spacing in Shuichi's house called a "basement." Ooh. Must be French.  
Well, it was either that or going back to living under his fingernail.  
He stomps out of his house, preparing the car for his beautiful fridge spouse.  
"Oh, Shuichi?" calls out the fridge in its usual loving tone. "Please remember to feed the kids while you're out." It tosses him a bag of dried mealworms.  
Shuichi tries his best not to eat all the mealworms himself. He opens the door to the basement and throws a couple worms into the dark void. Sure enough, Romania and Violetta come slithering out, their crusty, dry lips scooping up all the mealworms.  
He throws the rest of the bag in generously and continues to prepare the car.  
Meanwhile, the fridge is applying make-up to look its best tonight. With mayonnaise foundation, lovely ketchup lip gloss and crushed strawberries for blush, it is truly looking like a snack.  
She picks herself up and waddles over to the car. She breaks the roof gorgeously, the pieces piercing Shuichi's hand. Oh, well. He can get a new one at iHope.  
And for their lovely evening outing, they're going to go to iHope, which is currently having a collaboration with Femboy Hooters. How lovely.  
They arrive at iHope after 14 long hours. They stopped along the way to have you-know-what.  
Nobody is in iHope, besides a very elderly couple whose teeth literally fall out with each bite of salad they take.  
Shuichi and the fridge are seated. There is only one waiter currently; an fucked-up looking albino clown with white skin that is a millionth of a millimeter thick.  
"Hope." says the waiter maniacally.  
"I want everything on the menu." Shuichi grunts in his big boy voice. He points to the kids menu, then at a seagull.  
"Hope." the waiter crawls onto his bony knees and swims over to the kitchen.  
He brings back a plate that holds a single shred of dog shit.  
Shuichi and the fridge share it equally, using their table manners, then get up to go to the park.  
Arriving at the park with full stomachs, they feel the wash of nostalgia and wasted childhood.  
Then Shuichi hands his spouse a pistol and the two happily shoot wild children.  
Somehow, after 2 hours of this fun, they are not caught.  
They drive back to their house finally.  
Shuichi plops his fridge back into its place. He hears a crunch.  
Oh, no! He killed Ryoma!  
Oh, well. Who cares?  
Shuichi stalks off to his bed and sleeps, lulled by the melodic screeches of cats fighting and children yelling.  
What a wonderful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you idiots, the waiter was Nagito. iHope is a take on iHop, which is a horribly shitty restaurant that I have had the displeasure of having to visit yesterday.


	6. yuh kokichi is back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random fact but this chapter (and the last one) are very special because instead of writing the chapter on Google Docs then copy and pasting, I'm writing this one directly onto the AO3 writing thingy thing.  
> The last one was written on Memo and copy and pasted because I deleted Google Docs to make more room for Honkai Impact (which I haven't played yet) and Love Nikki (for nostalgia reasons.)

Under the fat and rugged wheels of Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmmnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewqqazwsxedcrfvtgbyhnujmikolp's car lies the body of Kokichi Ouma.

Mrs. Saihara happens to hear a crunching while she parks beside Shuichi's house. She screams and flings the source of the sound towards the basement, where Romania and Violetta are soundly sleeping.

Kokichi's body lands beside Romania, who immediately awakens.

" _Friend cat_." she says, whispering in a raspy voice.

Violetta arises.

"Cat friend is dead? I revive!" she squeals.

She grabs her magic wand (which is a dildo she stole from pregame Miu) and magic-ifying powder (which is either fermented dog shit or cocaine.) She beats Kokichi with the wand and sprinkles magic-ifying powder on him.

He revives.

"Hello, kitty." Violetta whispers into Kokichi's face.

Romania is thoroughly upset. "Not hello! We is not watch Hello Kitty!" she cries, hands on her hips.

Violetta puts the cat down. Kokichi races out of the basement and locks the door with his very existent opposable thumbs.

He walks to the front door.

He makes that disgusting monkey noise that cats make sometimes.

Shuichi opens the door, gasping.

Tears well up in his eyes.

He scoops Kokichi up, his head resting on his shoulder.

Kokichi finally feels safe, like he belongs here, at home for a moment.

Then he realizes he hates Shuichi and bats at his neck, leaping onto the rug where Kaede and Gonta are napping.

The fridge is heartbroken.

"I didn't know you were seeing other appliances." it chokes out, trying its best to stay strong.

"He's not just an object-" Shuichi protests.

"Oh, so now I'm just an object? I'm sorry. I thought I knew you." it cries.

It packs up its bags, opening the door.

"Wait!"

The door opens.

Shuichi's mom is there.

The fridge squeezes its way out, huffing.

Mrs. Saihara hugs her son, just noticing the door.

She points behind her.

"I'm not hallucinating, am I?"

Shuichi looks disappointed.

"Mom. I- you were supposed to tell me when you arrived."

"I did. See that bomb that's about to go off I threw at your roof with the letter saying, 'I'm here!'"

The bomb explodes, creating a huge gash in the roof. It does expose a very nice view of the stars, however.

Kaito and cat Shuichi stare up at it in awe.

Kaede and Gonta are awaken from their lovely nap, but are not thoroughly disturbed.

"Ah, I see you received my cats!" Mrs. Saihara chimes in, peeking behind Shuichi. She waves.

Gonta waves back, although his only interactions with the woman are her shoving him into a stuffed, airless box.

"Gonta says hi." Kokichi translates, being the only cat who can interact with the humans.

Shuichi doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care about his mom, or Kokichi, or Romania and Violetta.

He misses his fridge.

"Oh, that reminds me! I got you a gift!" his mom realizes, shuffling back to her car.

She returns with the most glorious fridge in the world. But is will never replace Shuichi's fridge. The new fridge taking the place of the old one somehow makes his kitchen feel even emptier.

Wordlessly, he storms back to his room.

The cats are relieved. Shuichi is finally gone. They continue doing whatever they please. Tenko and Himiko curl up beside each other on the couch.

Kaede naps on Shuichi's piano, her tail's occasional subconscious flicking creating a lullaby.

Kaito has managed to get onto the roof, blanketed by the stars.

Shuichi, K1-B0, Tsumugi, Angie, Maki, Gonta and Miu have all decided it is a perfectly good idea to sleep in the fridge.

Kokichi, wanting to one-up them, sleeps in the freezer.

Kirumi cleans the floors with her tongue.

Rantaro and Ryoma sleep in their assigned beds like normal cats (although I personally can't name one time my cat's ever slept in his bed.)

Korekiyo humps the leg of the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I was going to be posting more frequently.  
> That was a lie, obviously.  
> My mom snatched my devices and threw them into the abyss.  
> Then she disowned me and threw me into the abyss too.  
> She must have forgotten, because now I am happily writing in the abyss.


	7. Chapter 7

so  
I have not been posting as often.  
huh.  
I might do it later today though because lately I've just been really unmotivated and uh  
depressed  
but I have a discord for this fic and other shit now!!! yay!!! I decided I might as well use that so y'all big brains can suggest ideas since I'm going to be staying away from ao3 as much as possible.  
but yeah.  
so uh.  
here's the link.  
https://discord.gg/8wgvWqjjZw

also I've been having so many more cool ass dreams that I really just can't not share them. I guess I'm just too cool, even for me. but unless I finish this fucking hellhole I won't be able to start those

**Author's Note:**

> You finished it?? How are you still alive?? Well, if your eyes haven't already burned to a crisp, here's some gifts!  
> You obtained:  
> 1 eye bleach  
> 4 Kokichi paws  
> 10 holy water
> 
> Also, I'm now your mom so hello child
> 
> Also also please leave requests


End file.
